It’s the end of the world, and we know it.

No it isn’t.

Hi boys and girls, today we are going to talk about  *drumroll – dramatic pause* ….Doooomsday.

Yes, that’s right. Dec. 21, 2012 the world comes to an end. It explodes, or gets knocked out of orbit, or Jesus comes back, or the Cubs have a winning streak, or politicians give all the money back they’ve stolen or wasted each year in office.

Yeah… not really.

As I am sure most, if not all, of you have heard, the Mayan calendar runs out this year, in just a couple weeks. There have been movies, documentaries, books… all about this date and the end it will bring.

Well, let me be the not-first person to let you all know that this is allll bullshit.

From the religious notion, Judgement Day is not upon us. Armageddon is not here. Ragnarok is not happening. Read your books. The signs are not coming to fruition. The seals have yet to be broken. No little town starting with the letter ‘M’ in the Israeli region has been wiped off the map. Frost giants do not walk among us.

Now, from the scientific aspect… many professionals have already tackled these, but I will summarize anyway, because today is redundancy day – didn’t you know?

Alright, first of all, let’s discuss this mysterious planet X that is supposed to be on a wild, extremely narrow-banded, 20+ thousand year elliptical orbit, and is going to plow through the inner solar system, crossing the orbits of the main 9 (that’s right, bitches… I said NINE) planets, and dragging at least one of them (some people say Earth) Out of said orbit to either hurl affected planet towards the Sun or deeper out into space.



The following illustration is complete horseshit and not mine. It belongs to the nutty people at

If this planet were actually on it’s way… we’d have seen it by now. Even a world black as pitch would be lit up like a Xmas tree as it passed Neptune’s orbital path and drew closer to the Sun, due to the increased solar bombardment and thus, temperature change of the Planet Xs atmosphere and/or crustal ice from spending alleged thousands of years out past the Kepler belt, in the deep dark void.

Another image brought to you by horseshit incorporated –

Another fun bit of humor is that the passing planet comes every 2000 years and simply knocks our planet off axis, tilting it terribly, causing massive earthquakes, tsunamis, tectonic slipping (this is where our giant crustal plates move hundreds or thousands of miles in the matter of a few hours or days, as opposed to the subtle millions of years that they actually wander about), extreme volcanic activity (makes Mt St Helen’s look like a burp),the worst storm activity in history, global droughts, new ice ages, etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Let us be clear. If this were to have happened in the past… humans would not be here today. Most, if not all, life would not be here. This type of astronomical event is called a global killer, for a reason.

Our last image is brought to us by Batshit Crazy Ltd. at

The third, and my last, notion that some people think will happen is the Sun, the Earth, the Galactic Core, and possibly the Moon and a number of planets (depending on who you hear the rant from) will all line up on the 21st, causing an increased gravitational pull on the Earth, resulting in massive tectonic slipping or a sudden yank on our axis, tilting the Earth several degrees more. This allegedly happens every 20 millennium or so. Again… Global Killer. We would not be here now to discuss this if it had happened in the past. As for a much more rare event, no… the planets are not lining up. Yes, the Earth, Sun, and Galactic Core are lining up, that’s true. And it’s true EVERY year at this time. It’s called the Earth’s Revolution around the Sun. Our Orbit around our star.

So, I want everyone to understand… we will Still be here, as a planet, as a species, after December 21, 2012. So, stop hoarding food and booze and bullets. For god’s sake, don’t snuff your whole family because you want to ‘save them from the horror’. Don’t sell off your home, quit your job, drain your life’s savings, or give away your baseball card collection. Life will go on, just as it did the day before. The only difference is you will be another day older. And a lot of people who wrote about these squirrely speculations will feel reeeeally really stupid.


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